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May 22nd, 2009
05:49 am - Forgetting people
I had some thoughts about forgetting people while taking a shower earlier, that at the time seemed profound (for lack of a better word (i'm tired))
Something about choosing to forget about people that I don't see anymore, and being given that choice. There's some people I don't even talk to anymore, but I used to be friends with, though I don't think about them too much. I was wondering if this is either because I used to feel good being around them, or I genuinely liked them, and whether or not there was much of a difference. Either way they're not really a part of my life anymore (each one for different reasons, if any) so it's pretty much just a reminder that I had a life that was more pleasant than what I'm going through now.
I kind of isolated away from any of my real friends, and it seems like the people I do associate with and have been associating with for the past three or four years I really don't know at all, I just kind of got stuck with them due to circumstance.
Not to say I go treating people like a jerk because I don't think they're going to be in my life for very long, I have met some really great people in the last few years, though I think I kind of miss the people I actually have a lot of fond memories with.
I think those are the people that hurt the most when I think about them.
Any move is temporary, so there's always the future, though I do feel a bit stagnant right now. I don't even feel like talking to people much, out of not really having anything to say.
It's getting close to summer, and I live near the shore. This probably is supposed to be a really good thing, though I'm somehow dreading it.
Anyway, I think it's funny how people I thought I forgot sort of come back into my mind in the strangest places or ways. I don't know if that's a good thing or just makes me nostalgic and miss the past.
Was thinking of the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, also, since I was kind of thinking the same thing as the characters in it.
Still playing guitar.
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January 30th, 2009
10:47 pm - go back to how you once were
"BAD Example: I like lots of bands and watching movies and talking to friends and going to clubs."
I'm really not digging something about livejournal these days.
It feels like i missed some update, and now whenever I go to update my livejournal it's all screwey.
Current Music: Tool - Part of Me
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January 23rd, 2009
04:37 pm
So, it all started with me coming across this article,
http://www.all.org/article.php?id=11754 entitled KRISPY KREME CELEBRATES OBAMA WITH PRO-ABORTION DOUGHNUTS. After that, I wanted a donut. I haven't had a kripsy kreme donut in years.
I was thinking that they're not exactly health food, i mean, you don't usually see people eating them with a glass of soy milk and a granola bar. Then I thought that would actually taste pretty good. Then I remembered the Luther.
( The Luther )
I just got sidetracked by a video from youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kF3L359yKjs ( Bananas )
It reminded me of the Babel fish controversey from Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy, how the fish proved the existence of God, and thus proved the non-existence of God, because if there was a God, he wouldn't have to prove his existence by making such a useful creation as the Babel fish.
At work today, I was contemplating ordering a fried sea kitten filet from McDonalds, and decided I'm not sending any more money to Peta. I'm still all for the ethical treatment of animals, even though I still eat meat, mainly because i'm cheap and a conformist..., but really.. sea kittens?
It's nice to know the donations are going for a good purpose. What about the wolves in Alaska that were in trouble a few years ago? I haven't heard anything about them in awhile.. they okay? They get moved to a refuge? Did my contribution help?
Anyway this is what I wasted an hour and a half thinking about just now. Totally got sidetracked from checking my email.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/neko/kaokitty/confused.gif) confused
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January 17th, 2009
02:43 am - Opening New Windows
Has anyone been randomly messaged by someone by one of these 'non-malicious'
bots?
http://community.livejournal.com/themissinghat/profile?mode=full
somoene randomly asked me '[03:11] edifiedsalmon: Do you consider yourself a homophobe?'
apparently he also thought i messaged him the same question.
his real yahoo screen name was not edified salmon, and he thought my
screen name was 'ChangingCoho'.
At first I was annoyed that someone would make a bot like this, but then I thought about it, and it 'is' kinda funny. It does make for some odd conversations, I guess.
Anyway..
I'm trying to figure out some video editing skillz.
( I almost forgot how to use lj-cut. )
working on a few new songs, even though I don't have any instruments,
but then again, i don't have a camera, and i made a video, so... anything's possible.
met a guy today that said he was a drummer. I wanted to ask him if he wanted to get together and jam out, but he started talking about martial arts and going off about it, that I couldn't get a word in. I need to get my guitar and amp back in my posession, but it's up in North Jersey, which is pretty unaccessible to me for awhile.
...I forgot (again) what I was going to write as far as what was on my mind, that I felt compelled to make an entry about.
Oh well.. GO EAGLES!
The temperature here is 7° outside..
That is farenheit, not celcius.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/neko/kaokitty/blank.gif) blank
Current Music: Comfort v0.2
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January 3rd, 2009
08:37 am
was watching a documentary on the atari programmers.
http://retro.ign.com/articles/941/941182p1.html
One of the guys said this.
'back then games were kinda simple. they started out easy, then got harder until you lost. it's like life.'
In a strangely uplifting pessimistic mood.
like a life sucks, but smile, it's only going to get worse kinda feeling.
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December 23rd, 2008
11:14 pm - hm... quick update button i never noticed before...
I never noticed this quick update option thingy before. I suppose I haven't really used livejournal or been online steadily for awhile.
As I'm sitting here trying to remember what it was I wanted to do when I first turned on the computer tonight,
wow.. i can't even remember where I was going with that sentence...
I'm not sure if my job as a sales rep. of auto warranties (which to me means repetition, not representative) is killing my attention span and short term memory, or if it's me getting used to having the internet again.
Anyway, I've been doing good at staying out of trouble, bad influences, and well, doing pretty much anything all that interesting aside from work, sleep, eating, and watching t.v.
I got inspired yesterday to write about how uninspired I've been, and made it a point to make use of what i have and do what i can do now, instead of thinking i should be doing more, or waiting until I can get my recording stuff and instruments back to actually write anything or even play music.
I know there's more to life than music, and other creative outlets, but that's like, my main excuse for not doing anything, and then feel like i wasted my free time (which is rare) having sat around watching tv, or on the internet doing nothing really constructive. (ahem, youtube and myspace)
...i don't even really 'like' myspace, but i found myself looking up bands there.
anyway, I guess I feel like I'm wasting a lot of time these days. I'm trying to get into the practice of coming up with something better to do.
at least doing nothing saves money, though.
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November 29th, 2008
02:29 am
...Why did I give this remix such a long name?
It's really weird watching the Clerks cartoons on television, living in the area where the movie and cartoon takes place.
I didn't think Leonardo was a real place.
(it's on right now.)
Anyway, stuff's going okay for me. Listening to some old music I made of the 'electronic' kind, thinking of mixing some stuff down soon, though I have work tomorrow morning (or rather this morning).
I seem to be more creative when I'm sleep deprived, anyway.
There was a spider running around my computer earlier, looked like a male one, size wise, but he was furry sorta, like the female ones usually are, and black, not orange.
I don't really know the difference between male and female spiders.
...that reminds me, i wanted to look up 'the last supper' by leonardo devinci, and see which guy is which apostle.
Supposedly the guy that modelled for Jesus is the same guy that modelled for Judas. Whether this is true or not, I dunno. So between pointless slacking and wasting time I think I'll look it up.
For now, Gilbert Godfried as the voice of Patrick Swayze :)
Maybe I'll do something more productive during a commercial.
oh yeah, i keep forgetting what quixotic means... something else to look up.
...and the anime "Kaeda".. my brother said it was worth watching (or eluded to it.)
[Edit]
http://www.truthorfiction.com/rumors/l/lastsupper.htm
:P oh well.
Quixotic.
1. (sometimes initial capital letter) resembling or befitting Don Quixote.
2. extravagantly chivalrous or romantic; visionary, impractical, or impracticable.
3. impulsive and often rashly unpredictable.
...i guess i sorta feel that way. at least the impractical part.
not really feeling chivalrous or romantic, but maybe visionary.. i dunno.
didn't realize it was 'quiks zotic' not like 'key hotic' (terrible phonetics, but...)
though his name is don /key hoe tay/ not /quicks zoat/
I forgot how to do lj cuts.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/neko/kaokitty/quixotic.gif) quixotic
Current Music: F.t.Love Of Molly- TheMindCanPutMuchMoreToThingsThanThereActuallyIsRemix
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November 16th, 2008
06:25 pm - What did I think of before I knew words?
"What did I think of before I knew words?"
I was in my usual insomnia phase the other night, and started thinking about how I actually think, like, consciously in words (usually English), and subconciously in images, sounds, and then observed in 'words', and being concious of feelings or other thoughts that i can't seem to totally blank out. Like for instance, trying to go back to sleep knowing i have to get up in a half hour. That whole half hour will be used thinking about waking up.
I hate waking up before my alarm goes off.
Anyway, I ended up having the thought, then trying not to think in words the whole night. Reminded me of meditating.
I'm not sure about the rest of my train of thought that night, but at the time I thought I was on to something, that I wanted to write it down. Already being in bed and having my contacts out, I ended up reaching for my cell phone to text a note about it to myself.
I suppose I'm still trying to comprehend the state of being w/out remembering or being too aware, sort of like the moment a dream starts, or being i suppose in zen or whatever.
I wish my mind had an off switch, that didn't drowning it with alochol or intaking other chemicals. I suppose that's why I got into meditating in the first place, to clear my mind.
I need to start playing/writing music again.
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November 4th, 2008
11:52 am - Neptune was the God of the Ocean.
Holy Tridents! I'm living in Neptune!
Camden, Washington, Lebanon, and now Neptune? all w/out leaving New Jersey.
At first I was wondering why it was named after the planet, then I thought about it, and that we're close to the ocean.
Anyway, I have not updated my livejournal in awhile. I suppose I'm not in that much of an introspective mode. More living w/out thinking too much about why I'm doing what I'm doing. Not much to say, and I still haven't really gotten all my feelings sorted out from the end of last Winter and this Spring.
I'm still alive. Feeling a bit retrospective, I guess. Was looking at an old paper journal, and might read this thing one of these day, see where I keep making the same mistakes, and where I had premonitions of things that happened.
I like the line from that one Nine Inch Nails song 'I believe I can see the future, because I repeat the same thing everyday' or whatever.
Anyway, maybe this thing I started as a sort of joke against internet stalking and a whim from my college psych. class might show some insight on myself and what I can work on.
Maybe I am more introspective now than I like to admit.
Though right now i'm too lazy to read it. Though I am going to filter out the loads of files I have crapping up the internet, sitting about in limbo on some computer God knows where, that I completely forgot I put there.
Cheerio!
Current Location: Neppy Toon
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/neko/kaokitty/numb.gif) numb
Current Music: abandoned for now
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March 4th, 2008
12:36 am
- Black symbolizes killing and anger
- White denotes rest and thinking
- Yellow stands for restraining and nourishing
- Red for subjugation and summoning and
- Green means exorcism
I'm on a colour and meaning tangent/vibe/blah blah ....
....something inspired me to think about color... -.-;
I've been thinking about everything from stereotypes (mostly in hair color... ...and mostly in female hair color (hey, i'm a male...) (thought that did lead me to think of male hair color...)
to humours.....
Humour Season Element Organ Qualities Ancient name Modern MBTI Ancient characteristics
Blood spring air liver warm & moist sanguine artisan SP courageous, hopeful, amorous
Yellow bile summer fire gall bladder warm & dry choleric guardian SJ easily angered, bad tempered
Black bile autumn earth spleen cold & dry melancholic rational NT despondent, sleepless, irritable
Phlegm winter water brain/lungs cold & moist phlegmatic idealist NF calm, unemotional
which brings me back to this,
- Black symbolizes killing and anger
- White denotes rest and thinking
- Yellow stands for restraining and nourishing
- Red for subjugation and summoning and
- Green means exorcism
I admit, when I look at people I don't really see them so mach as hear them,
I suppose,
I couldn't recall the hair color or eye color or skin tone of half the people
I know....
unless i look at a picture of them,
I pretty much blame this on the fact that my eyes suck... -.-;
though I suppose I should start paying more attention, that way i can
discriminate, like everyone else does.
"Here it is relevant to note that each of these five Buddhas and their associated colors are said to further the transformative process whereby specific human delusions are changed to positive qualities. Specifically it is believed that by meditating on the individual colors, which contain their respective essences, the following metamorphosis can be achieved:
- White transforms the delusion of ignorance into the wisdom of reality
- Yellow transforms pride into wisdom of sameness
- Blue transforms anger into mirror like wisdom
- Red transforms the delusion of attachment into the wisdom of discernment
- Green transforms jealousy into the wisdom of accomplishment"
As I sit here in front of this pc, i'm kind of wondering if i'm looking for
answers, or just some path to follow to lead to more questions and answers
and more knowledge, or time consumption,... which weighs heavier on my
existence I'm not sure,
anyway, I'm starting to feel sleep deprivation, or just tired, and I like it
-.-
discernment: respectful submission or yielding to the judgment, opinion, will, etc., of another.
...I write these things extemperaneously, (sp), but, something just made
sense to me now...
about my sudden curiosity/concern about the color red....
I kind of still feel a bit stubborn and am wondering what my delusion is,
wanting to question...
maybe i don't know that i don't know nothing,...
or i forget. or just forgot,
.... grrrr....
my mind is still going...
thinking, concerned, typing,
at least i'm journaling again, writing/typing it down on something more than a notebook which i usually lose -.-;
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/neko/kaokitty/contemplative.gif) contemplative
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February 24th, 2008
10:46 pm - New Computer, New Home, New Life
Yay, we got a computer at the house I'm living in :)
I'm now living in the Hamptons :D
(beats Lebanon)
...Hampton NJ.
(as opposed to Lebanon, NJ.)
This area is the only place where you can go to Sparta, Bethlehem, Lebanon, Nazareth, and Washington probably in the same day.
Things are going well for me. My job's going well, I'm living in a new
house, my roommates are pretty cool (and NOT insane!), I'm doing a lot of
cooking, and aside from my car sliding into a concrete curb, throwing my
alignment out of whack, life is great :D
Someone brought up quantum physics today, and I was going to try to write
something about it, and my belief that it says basically the same things
that is taught in yoga and in meditations, and how I only seem to understand
things such as string theory and relativity when I'm reading about it, or
watching a movie about it... then I forget it if I try to think of it...
but, well, I'm actually just enjoying living and content with where I am
in the universe, so I really don't have too much to say on the subject other
than 'thanks'.
I was feeling depressed earlier this weekend,
and I'm not sure exactly how this relates, but I've also got nine inch nails
songs stuck in my head.
A guy I work with left me a few DVD's, one being 'beside you in time'.
Have the song 'right where it belongs' in my head.
NIN seems to be like, a guilty pleasure of mine. I used to be a really huge
fan of them in 1993-1994, almost obsessive, now I almost feel like I don't
want to like them, but like most good albums, some songs start to grow on
me.
I didn't care much for the 'with teeth' album, but I think I may go out and
pick up a copy of year zero, or at least the remix album with bill laswell.
Though, a part of me feels like i'm just trying to revisit my teenage years.
I should buy a Yanni cd instead -.-
...maybe not.
Anyway, I'm back online, I guess.
Recently picked up La Guero by Beck and Seas of Cheese by Primus.
(yes, i still buy cd's.)
Now buying Primus Seas of Cheese is Totally me reliving my teenage years -.-;
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December 29th, 2007
12:30 am - Where I am now. (well, in the past when someone reads this, but..)
Things are balancing out for me.
I have a new job, that's better than my last, and I'm getting paid for
what I know, and pretty much for being myself (well, at least the more
'positive' side of me)
I get paid to use photoshop, organize stuff, learn, use computers, and
talk to people that have questions (that i'm learning how to answer)
...i'm getting paid to do what i used to do in my spare time anyway :D
I feel really grateful for what I went through and learned.
However, a peer/friend of mine named Steve killed himself two weeks ago,
after being arrested for carjacking someone for money for heroin.
He was another computer type kid, very intelligent, about my height,
(in fact some people would call me steve because we looked a bit alike
or whatever)
He, like me, went through the halfway house.
He, like me, also relapsed and went back to his addiction.
He's the third person i know personally that's hung themselves.
Second, due to heroin addiction.
He was a big apc/tool fan, too.
Some lyrics, such as 'much better you than i' or 'if you choose to
pull the trigger, should your drama prove sincere, do it someplace
far away from here' kind of spell out some of the mixed feelings
of anger and sadness i've been going through and trying to avoid...
I'm no better, no worse.
I think my curiosity as to why people do such things is what got me
into the trouble I went through. I learned a hell of a lot through
experience, and for that I'm grateful.
'help me survive this bottom.' 'i choose to live' was another apc lyric.
i still believe that through darkness comes light,
and i still ramble in my journal(s) :)
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September 7th, 2007
11:26 pm - where i am
I'm frightened, scared, worried, I feel weak, and yet,
there's always that hope, which as I'm typing this, having
told others how I feel (in real life, not just ...the net...)
...I do feel stronger, and okay...
I was saying earlier that I feel something terrible is going
to happen, maybe my own paranoia, but I think it's just me
devouring a lot of terrible things that have happened to
people i love and care about.
quick list,
1. co-worker megan (person whom which inspired me to
work hard and to actually get a job, since she seemed
to manage well) her friend, a pole vaulter, died
on tuesday
2. my friend, michelle, gave birth to a child, and a
few days later, he died.
3. i lost my job due to drinking, and i started drinking
again.. i'm currently sweating it out and going back
to the halfway house... (i'm not 'too' happy about that)
4. who's are president? what the hell happened in the last
8 years?
5. I miss my friends, but i'm afraid to talk to most of them
because of my current state.
6. i lost my mind, and i can't remember the rest of this list,
there's more, but... who really cares?
i just wanted to vent....
i'm burning.
...lj.
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August 18th, 2007
11:33 pm - new pictures
I need to put new pictures up on the internet.
of course, half the pc's i come in contact with seem
to lack the scanner, the photoshop type software to
shrink images, internet access, etc etc, on or the other,
blah blah blah...
i also am now living in Lebanon, NJ (08833), have a new
car (nissan altima) and am doing alright for myself...
(relatively~)
now i'm worried about sitting around doing nothing in my
new place :(
trying to move my music stuff up there, my instruments and
recording equipment, and tapes (yes.. analog tapes...)
so i can mix stuff down and share it.
i feel overwhelmed and should probably slow down or talk
to friends more...
though, i still feel a bit shy and stuff. i'm dealing
with it much better now, though.
so yeah, that's me. tonight.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/neko/kaokitty/worried.gif) worried
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August 11th, 2007
02:06 am
"if christ were alive today, everyone would be pissed off at him because he'd be doing all of the stuff that we thought we 'should' be doing, but aren't."
i wonder if he'd capitalize words.
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June 30th, 2007
11:03 pm
I feel disconnected.
Not being around computers I can use to interact with others, feels
a bit relieving.
It forces me to confront my own demons and 'issues'.
I like how the internet lets people from all over the world contact
each other with ease and express themselves, to people they've never
met in person...
Though, looking at it from another view, the way people communicate
over the internet, nowadays, makes me feel really relieved not to
be a part of it.
'Of course, I'm typing this on a livejournal... when I have a little
notebook I call my 'real' journal'
So I guess that makes me an exhibitionist,
though, it's 'hard' to lose a livejournal name and password, but
easy to lose a little notebook :P
I'm visiting my mother this weekend, and here... in front of a pc.
wasting time, can't sleep, not doing much of anything, but have
the whole internet at my fingertips.
I feel I should be doing something else, I guess.
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November 23rd, 2006
12:05 am - Getting the F@#% out of Dodge!
well, more like south jersey, Camden County -.-
I'm moving this Friday, to Glen Gardner, NJ.
(in the middle of nowhere, which is fine for me :D )
http://www.google.com/maps?f=q&hl=en&q=glen+gardner,+NJ&ie=UTF8&om=1&z=7&ll=40.880295,-74.937744&spn=3.895329,10.986328&iwloc=addr
Anyway, I'll be out of touch, internet wise for awhile, after this Friday.
after a few months I'll probably be able to keep in touch.
To all my friends, thank you for being, and I'll write USPS as soon as possible.
Best wishes to all and hope the winter isn't too harsh on any of us~
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November 11th, 2006
08:10 pm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ww2iMqkiHns
I wish i could find this in a better quality...
anyone?
when I saw it on tv I was glad i was lying down
:P
( ff 7 )
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November 10th, 2006
04:18 am
'passion is living, and dying is teaching us how to live'
I totally need to shed my current situation, and move on.
I've been haunted at night by nightmares, disturbed by
memories of people who are now dead, and bothered by mistakes
made in the past. I guess i get like this around this
month a lot,...
been focussing too much on negativity, death, and suffering.
I did find that I have some beautiful friends, and I really
appreciate that. Like, several these past weeks I was feeling
really bad and down, and things happened reminding me life
is alright, and people care.
I got a letter today, and it couldn't have came at a better
time~
Thanks Mellissa!
I love you~
I wish I could find my orange chemical brothers cd...
(exit planet dust) i'm in the mood to listen to 'life is
sweet'
broke down and bought a cute little mp3 player~
only holds 512MB, but it runs on one AAA battery, and
is smaller than my pinky :D (well, length wise)
don't have to worry about losing it while biking, running, or even hopping/flipping
over fences :D
(can't do THAT with a cd player :P )
and the interface is soo much simpler than an ipod.
(i kind of hate those things.. i personally think they're for fashion victims.)
but that's just me being jaded :P
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